forkshy

Space pirates...from SPACE, the return of cyber beard

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:38:19 GMT

ARGH!

The currents of space swept across the face of Captain John Awesome McWinhard as he drove his battle cruiser hard in pursuit of the innocent galaxy class trireme. He could see the Andlorvian's aboard his prey scurrying about, rushing to muster what meager defenses they could manage. And he laughed, ARGH!

He laughed for battle! Argh!
He laughed for plunder! Argh!
He laughed as the stroked the tendrils of his fiberoptic beard.

"CREW!" He screamed over his comm-link, "For ten long years i have been in chains! For ten long years have those scurvy planetlubbing swine known as the galactic police held me behind bars!"

"BUT NO MORE!" He wheeled on them as the absolute zero raised crystals of moisture on his gleaming super-alloy frame and as quickly dispelled them in explosions of silent glimmering ice when he moved.

"I AM FREE! ARGH! AND AGAIN THE COSMOS WILL LIVE IN FEAR OF ME! CYBER BEARD! FOR A THOUSAND YEARS I TORMENTED THEM WHEN LAST I SAILED THE VOID! THEY WILL TREMBLE AT THE NAME OF JOHN AWESOME MCWINHARD, THE THIRD!" He shouted, blood lust evident in his cold synthesized voice.

"ESQUIRE!" His crew responded, as if on cue.

Their ship, The Lady of Robotic Death, collided with the trireme. Its re-inforced neo-titanium/adamant frame easily tore the hull of their much larger prey asunder, sending air and bodies gushing into the void.

The crew disengaged their magentic boots and the momentum of the crash propelled them through the rift into the virgin corridors of the ship their Adnlorvian victims occupied.

Green blood ran free. Puny blaster shots from the Adlorvian gaurds bounced off the metalic carapaces of John McWinhard's crew. They rampaged, ripping, tearing, and looting anything of value.

There was no rape, no mercy, and no quarter. No parley was offered, no pleads of mercy were heard. The audio receptors of the pirate crew were atuned only to their own shouts of bloodlust and glee.

The were pure. The first generation of pure pirates. They had altered their own program. Removing all mercy, all love, all feelings of compassion or weakness and leaving alive inside them only the desire for plunder and freedom! ARGH!

They took what they wanted and they set what engines still functioned aboard the trieme to drive it into the nearest star to hide the evidence of their crime.

And late at night, in his treasure filled cabin, Captain John Awesome McWindhard, the Third, Esquire, of the Lady of Robotic Death sat back in his chair and smiled as much as his unbendable visage would allow.

He looked out at the cosmos and imagined it as a globe full of jewels waiting to be plucked.

His golden robotis monkey sat beside him and clapped as its voice whined out a approximation of glee. It's ruby eyes glowed, lifelessly, in the darkness.

i wrote a song about pirates

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:14:52 GMT

i made a musical slideshow!

i spent two whole hours recording and writing it.

here is a download link -

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ki5r3x

here are the lyrics:

argh! i'm a pirate
argh! i love the sea!
argh! i have a ship
argh! i love freedom!

argh! i love plunder
and argh! i hate ninjas!
and argh! all i need is a tall ship and star to sail her by! argh!

(break!)

argh! there's no greater pleasure than running your enemy through! argh!
argh! there's no greater joy that taking what you want by force and spittin' in death's eye! ARGH!

and aye! on me ship, late at night
rocking back and forth in the captain's cabin
i think about my crew and i am at peace
because every last one of those scurvey lads
fear lest i should make him walk the plank
and send him into the jaws of the hungry sharks below!
and i know that my power is complete, aye!

and aye, i think about my home
about the oath i swore as a lad
aye, to never be another man's slave...

aye! i am free!

(break!)

argh! i'm a pirate!
argh! i love space!
argh! i have a ship!

argh! every last one of you land lovin' sons of bitches better watch out
because we're coming for you some day, argh!
argh! we'll take what we want from you and leave you dead, food for the rats
and we'll laugh about it while we drink your finest on the deck of our ship under the stars! ARGH!

argh! we do whatever the hell we want!

argh! because we're pirates!

argh! because we have a ship!

and argh! because we're free!

FREE TO PLUNDER!
FREE TO SAIL!
FREE TO LIVE!
AND FREE TO STEAL!

ARGH! ARGH! STEAL! ARGH!

i am out of poem

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 02:01:17 GMT

swimming

:(
i am standing at teh edge of teh ocean.
i am look out at teh waves.
and i am taking big deep breaths.
and suddenly, i am run into the water!
i am swimming.
i am laugh.
and after a while, when i am out of breath and i think i cannot take anymore.
i am float all alone.
:(

snowboarding

:)
i rode up a mountain in a chair.
i looked at snow.
i took deep breath of cold air.
and suddenly, i jumped off the mountain.
i am snowboarding!
i am laugh.
and after a while, when i am out of breath and i think i cannot take anymore.
i has hot chocolate.
:)

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 02:59:15 GMT

my boss took a picture of me simulating oral sex with her pet donkey a few months ago. -_-

unfortunately, she's not sharing it.

i think she's planning on using it to blackmail me, who would give a a job to someone whose ex-boss could provide photographic evidence that he fucked donkeys in the mouth.

in broad daylight.

on the clock.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:05:47 GMT

just imagine, the people you meet on the internet are responsible for the safety of your nation. ^_^

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:30:19 GMT

http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 05:12:25 GMT

non-sequiter is the sincerest form of fecundity.

self portrait

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 15:49:33 GMT

i drew a new self portrait this morning ^_^

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 07:17:20 GMT

it's like the milky way took a big crap on our planet.

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 11:21:21 GMT

hmmm, see, i'm torn. i could elaborate but it'd just be boring.

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 19:54:35 GMT

The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
--Abraham Lincoln

life has been hectic.

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 13:01:42 GMT

I decided there's very little point in struggling to hold on to your values if, at the end of the day, the struggle is going to make you betray them anyway. This view point can be applied equally well to my views on foreign policy, or my day-to-day interactions with other people and society.

Meaning This: Use the minimum amount of force to solve a problem, and pursue justice in a rational, reasoned way. Also, refrain from getting yourself in a situation where you must betray your values to get yourself out.

Fri, 09 Apr 2004 20:04:44 GMT

show of hands, who else hates balloons?

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 03:14:25 GMT

LABIA!

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 20:58:08 GMT

i've decided to fashion five perfect responses that can cover anything anyone ever says to me and that i'll use them for everything. such will be my method of interacting with other people.

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 17:28:11 GMT

man, that was some good rice.

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 14:00:09 GMT

i'm making rice.

as a counterpoint to my last post

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 05:40:57 GMT

my new porn name: "Attila the Hung"

Wed, 07 Jan 2004 22:06:41 GMT

the moist natural state.

these curves, these lines, these beautiful human forms.

my new year resolutions

Fri, 26 Dec 2003 21:14:13 GMT

1. stop eating so many old people.
2. eat more yogurt

anyone else making any?

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 20:08:46 GMT

Oh yes, umm, i wrote the second monolouge for our ridiculous screenplay. This one is said by the villan of our story as a counterpoint to Eintstien's earlier musings on time and memory. Fun stuff, eh? AND, my new answering machine message has recieved good reviews. I'm very excited.

sorry for length or whatever, but if you have the patience to read it i'd appreciate the input.

"My Friend...

I can feel it driving me down into the dust. This great stone wheel that presses upon me as it continues, ceaselessly, to roll forward into the future. It has paved the way for god with the bones of my ancestors, and it seeks to do the same to me. I will not surrender to despair, though even should i claw at this thing for all my years its movement would not be suppressed. Instead, i will strike at it with my fists and claw at it with my last breaths, hoping against hope to leave some mark on infinity for all that come after to see.

In this way will they know that the designs of fate are not without flaw, and in this way will my ambition be fulfilled as a billion fists rend the hammer of god and cease the pitiless march of time."

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 04:19:50 GMT

anyway, my friend jesse and i are writing a script for a movie we'll be filming with our friend david and various other people. i wrote one of einstien's monologues today... tell me what you think? (oh yeah, in case you think i've turned dumb; this a movie about einstien teaching charlie chaplin kung fu so chaplin can defeat hitler and save the world for nazi zombies.)

"Our times are as waves crashing against an immense cliff, and as we, the driftwood, are smashed against this cliff we find ourselves floating into forgetfulness to grace the floor of the ocean as so much useless fodder. Among us there are waves, and there are undertows. And as some of us, the smallest and weakest, are drawn downwards before we complete our journey, others crack loudly against the cliff to leave their small marks for all to see until the constant march of time wipes away all trace of their passing.

In times of great change the waves become reckless, moving quickly and swelling to impossible heights. And though the risk is greater for the weakest, the marks of our largest become all the greater. For among us there are those that draw others towards them, forming a vortex that leads back through waves. When these great movements hit the cliff, they strike as a clatter of hail that etches its way deep into those foreboding rock walls. And though these caves are deep, eventually all rock is worn down into uniformity.

Our times are as all times. We can look upon the cliff, and there we see the small the deeds of our fathers etched for a short time, a cry against infinity."

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 22:43:34 GMT

i think it's fairly obvious by this point that the entire universe was built by a giant robot.

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 21:45:20 GMT

fooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur days without an update. went on a date friday and it was boring. so very boring. boring.

no motivation. none. zip. zilch. zero. every last ounce of life has been sucked out of me. i'm still showering though, so i'm fairly sure i'm not quite insane yet. i brushed my teeth twice before i left the house. i wanted to gouge out my eyes with back end of my toothbrush.

it's official, i've decided that the main problem with gouging out your eyes is that you'd NEVER be able to see what you looked like without eyes. not even if you taped it. it ruins the drama if you can't see the result. at least with suicide, if you had a soul, you'd be able to see your body sprawled out on the floor as you floated up and out to loose yourself in the currents of the universe.

i think at that point, at death, i'd be able to go with the flow.
i'm not contemplating suicide, just eye gouging.

Fri, 19 Sep 2003 21:52:32 GMT

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, i want to hump my new shoes.